How To Have Friends
MAKING friends and keeping friends are no more mysterious than being
attractive, when the various factors that contribute to them are considered
separately. One makes friends or fails to make them because of very
definite habit-systems. Presently I am going to discuss these factors that
contribute to making friends and to keeping them.
But before giving further attention to the effect that our customary behavior has upon
the attitude of others toward us, it seems highly desirable that we know more about
these habit-systems, and in due time, also how to change them.
I am not in this place going to give a detailed explanation of the elements of the
nervous system and the way they act. Anyone interested in neurons, with their axons
and dendrites, and the synapses between them over which nerve currents must pass,
may refer to some good physiology book. Nerve currents, thoughts, and actions once
expressing in a certain way find it easier to express in that way in the future. Groups
of muscles or groups of thoughts, in some manner cooperating once, find it easier to
cooperate in the same manner again. This fact has been thoroughly established by
experiments. This is due, no doubt, somewhat to the laws governing the nervous
system, but even more, I believe, to the establishment of pathways of energy, and
energy connecting lines between various factors, in the astral body.
Some of us have lived at times in parts of the world where in winter the ground
became deeply covered with snow. After a heavy snow, and before trails were
broken, the going was found exceedingly difficult. The first person to go from one
point to another not only found it difficult to make headway through the deep drifts,
but frequently, because of side interests, did not go the most direct route. The next
person to go to the same place found travel less difficult, because the trail had been
broken. He could, of course, by the use of effort and initiative, go the most direct
route by leaving the trail where it departed from this route and break a new one. But
unless the first trail were excessively circuitous he usually preferred to follow it,
because on the whole it took less effort. And the next person over the trail found it
still easier to travel. By the time it had been gone over a few times the trail became so
well established that progress through it was very easy compared to progress where
no trail existed.
Our Behavior is Made Up of Habit-Systems
— Our behavior in life is made up of habit-systems, and these are simply systems of
trails that have been broken in our astral body. It required considerable energy to
break each trail, to establish each particular action of a system. Certain of these trails
converge and unite in a definite system. Thus in learning to handle a fork properly,
the child must first learn how to grasp it. He must learn how to get it under the food.
He must learn the distance from plate to mouth, and the direction of his mouth, and
accuracy enough to find it without fumbling. A number of actions usually learned
separately are required in this and in any act of skill. With these trails in the astral
body, or if you prefer the materialistic view, in the nervous system, established
separately, he joins them together as a single system. He no longer has to think of
each separate movement. All he has to do is to think of eating with a fork, which
places his activities on this system of trails, and because the trails are all well broken
and joined together his activities follow them and he continues to eat properly with
the fork so long as he holds the thought of so eating, all the details taking care of
themselves. The details have become habitual, that is, they are governed by trails in
the astral form which constitute a portion of the unconscious mind.
Some of these habit-systems are formed before birth into human form. The reflex
actions, digestion, secretion, breathing, and assimilation are habit-systems built into
the astral form in lives lower in the evolutionary scale than man. But as was explained
in the preceding lesson, with the exception of a few fundamental responses, our likes
and dislikes, our inclinations and our more overt behavior are all acquired after birth.
Through early experiences in life we have formed the habit of behaving in certain
ways toward acquaintances, behaving in other ways in reference to business, in still
other ways in our domestic life, and according to other standards when engaging in
People usually believe that in these various relations of life they are acting according
to the dictates of reason; but as a matter of fact reason plays a rather insignificant part
in the behavior of most people. Their behavior when confronted with a certain
situation, instead of being determined by a careful analysis of the circumstances, is
usually determined by habit.
These habits were not formed because they are the best method of meeting such
situations, but because of a variety of associations in early life that gave rise to
pleasure or pain. If a certain situation in infancy was met by fear, and similar
situations later in life were permitted to cause fear, no matter how unreasonable it
may be, the adult will be very apt to experience fear whenever such a situation arises.
The child who repeatedly gains his point by becoming angry, when he becomes a
man in business will continue to try to gain his point through anger, even though his
reason tells him it is the worst of all policies in his present situation. His Mars
thought-cells will take the reins in spite of his attempts to remain calm, and anger will
take possession of him. Or if he has formed the habit of speaking disparagingly of
others, even though reason indicates that such a course only brings enmity and no
gain, out will come nasty remarks about others at unguarded moments in spite of
Reason Customarily Plays An Insignificant Part
–That reason customarily plays so insignificant a part in directing human behavior
is not due to lack of the power to reason, but to the circumstance that of necessity
most actions of life are the result of habit, and that these habits were formed by
conditions that arose in the life before the reasoning powers were fully developed.
The early associations with certain words, with certain kinds of people, and with
certain objects are such as to cause people to be attracted to or repelled by them. If
these early experiences were pleasant, they continue to be attracted toward these
words, people and objects later in life. If these early experiences were painful, they
tend to continue to be repelled by them.
We are taught in life to be attracted by the words moral, good, true, and similar words
associated with conduct beneficial to society. Our reaction to these words has
become habitual. Consequently, when a politician stands on a platform and speaks of
the high morality of his candidate, of his truthfulness, and of the good he will do if he
obtains office, we warm toward that candidate. When he denounces the opposing
candidate as immoral and a liar, and implies that only evil will result from his
obtaining office, our habits make us shrink from this opposition candidate. And it is
only the unusual individual, one in a thousand perhaps, who overcomes these
habitual reactions to words to the extent of carefully analyzing the situation with a
view of discerning the real morality, truthfulness, and benefit to be derived from each
candidate. Orators play upon, and move people by, the words toward which habitual
responses of a given character have been firmly established.
If early in life one is taught to look upon people dowdily dressed, or if in early life
one’s parents and those who are kind to one always appear well dressed, and such
others as tease, annoy, and mistreat happen to be people poorly dressed, a truly
democratic attitude will be very difficult to attain later in life. In the
unconscious–that is, in the astral body–the association of that which is
disagreeable will be closely linked up with shabbily dressed persons. One will feel
uncomfortable in their presence, and–regardless of the ability or moral
qualities–one will be repelled from them. And one will tend to like all well dressed
persons, even though little ability and reprehensible morals are their outstanding
If one has a very disagreeable experience of some kind when on a bridge very early in
life, later in life, after the event has been forgotten, there may be an unaccountable
aversion to bridges. If, in addition, the event is never spoken of through shame, and a
strong repression results, the aversion may become pathologic. Thus do various
phobias develop. There are otherwise normal people who are violently afraid of
knives, of open spaces, of closed rooms, or of running water. In fact, I am inclined to
think that most of us have what has been called nomic phobia, meaning the fear of
going against custom or tradition.
Even the thought of changing something in the standard prayer book recently
outraged the feelings of many good people. Just say “evolution” in the presence of a
fundamentalist, and he immediately is insulted. Speak of astrology, or of the occult
sciences, or of the abolition of armament in a conservative group and they become
indignant. Not because they have investigated these things, or because they know of
any careful analysis made by another, but because certain ideas have become
habitual. Habits have been formed of accepting certain ideas as sound. Any departure
from these ideas necessitates breaking up these habit-systems. With so strong a
habit-system established regarding the sacredness of accepted ideas, even the
contemplation of a new idea gives rise to a feeling of guilt.
Due to the circumstances surrounding certain early experiences, often habit-systems
form that are of great detriment all through life. Excessive shyness in an adult, for
instance, usually may be traced either to over-solicitous care or to unreasonable
prohibitions in childhood. If a child is held back from entering into the games and
sports common to childhood, usually a sense of shame develops. He fears these
games but is ashamed to admit it. He is also ashamed to admit his parents will not let
him play as other children do. This shame thus becomes a repression, which in adult
life, in spite of his reason, causes him to be timid and unapproachable.
Real and imaginary inferiorities are compensated for often by habitual actions or
emotions all out of proportion to the circumstances that give rise to them. In spite of
the real qualifications, there is a tendency of the unconscious to refuse to admit
unfortunate events are due to the person’s deficiencies. And, where difficult
conditions are met early in life, the habit of fleeing from reality by living in a world of
fantasy develops. Mechanisms of defense, mechanisms of compensation, and the
flight from reality, in some small degree enter into the habit-systems of all of us. In
others these become dominant habit-systems. But whether to a great extent, or to a
lesser, they hinder our successful adaptation to the circumstances of life, and should
be replaced by habit-systems based upon straight thinking.
Every situation in life, everything we do, presents a problem. There are numerous
ways of meeting each situation and of doing each act. Also there is a best way. The
problem is to find this best way. It can only be solved through a cool and impartial
analysis of all the factors involved. The more facts at the command the better. Due
reflection, in which different methods are thought out and compared one with
another is the proper method of procedure. And because so much of thought, activity
and feeling are based upon early acquired habits, it is well thus to carefully analyze
every once in a while not only the more important activities of life, but also those
apparently inconsequential. In the latter are often found the cause of larger failure or
I can think of no one thing that will conduce so much toward enabling a person to
attain his desires as that of habitually considering every situation that arises as a
distinct problem to be solved by finding the best possible way to think, feel, and act
under the circumstances.
Merely to perceive the best way of thinking, feeling, and acting under a given
circumstance, however, does not give one the ability to meet the circumstance in this
predetermined way. Merely to know a beautiful tone when it is sounded on a violin
does not give one the ability to produce that tone. Acts of skill are based upon habit.
To think, and feel, and act as reason dictates, we must replace unadvantageous habits
by those of greater value. That is, to change our lives to any appreciable extent, we
must change our habit-systems.
Habit-systems are not changed by simply thinking about them. They are changed
only through the application of much effort; and if the effort is applied according to
the psychological principles underlying habit-formation, the change will be brought
about more readily. Regarding the old habits, as old trails become obliterated when
disused, they should be given no attention. Because habits feed on attention, the
attentions should all be given to those that are to replace.
The Three Fundamental Principles of Changing a Habit-System
–Three fundamental principles should at this point be emphasized. 1. To break a bad
habit, cultivate some good habit which by its nature is incompatible with the bad
habit, and when practiced tends to displace the latter. 2. To remember something
unfamiliar, associate it strongly with something else sure to be remembered. 3. In
some manner, associate as strongly as possible with feelings of pleasure those acts
and thoughts that it is desirable to make habitual.
As has been explained in some detail and illustrated by example in
Chapter 02, the initial difficulty in forming a new habit is the tendency
not to remember at the proper time that the predetermined upon actions are to take
place. As there illustrated, this difficulty may be overcome by linking up in the mind
the desired actions with other activities that already are habitual.
Habits, as was explained in Chapter 05 where the
experiments with Pavlov’s dogs are mentioned, are originally formed as reactions to
pleasure or pain. They are formed to attain pleasure and to escape pain. Not that they
always attain these results, for a habit that brings pain may arise through false belief
that it will bring pleasure. But the principle underlying all animal activity is that
movement is toward pleasure and away from pain. This principle should be utilized
in the formation of new habits. Habits naturally form along the line of the most
There are, of course, two habit-forming techniques. There is the pleasure-technique,
such as just mentioned, and the pain-technique. Not only does the burned child shun
the fire, as we are often reminded, but it is customary, and no doubt necessary, to
restrain and in some manner punish small children When Willie at table dips his
fingers into a dish of food he is usually reprimanded, and if he persists, his knuckles
are perhaps rapped with the back of a fork. This is the pain-technique. Willie learns
not to use his fingers where others use silverware. But the pain technique has two
serious drawbacks that curtail its usefulness. First, it builds inharmonious
thought-cells into the astral body that tend to attract misfortune. Second, it builds up
an association of pain with the habit in such a manner that factors originally
associated with the habit are intensely disliked, and in such a manner that when the
element of pain ceases to be obvious the habit may be discontinued.
People who have had to make considerable sacrifice to get an education usually
appreciate its advantages more than those who have not. Unless they had strongly
desired an education they would not have made the sacrifices. They were doing
something they desired to do, using the pleasure technique. Others who continued in
school because compelled to do so by parents, or merely because it is the customary
thing to do usually have less appreciation of learning, and are less likely to continue
studying after they leave school and the compulsion ceases. This exemplifies the
pain-technique; for compulsion is always painful.
Probably the strongest reason why people after they leave school care so little about
further improving their mind is due to the pain-technique commonly used in building
the study-habit-system. In the first place, there were many pleasant things to do out of
school, and being shut up in an unattractive room a greater part of the day in itself is
monotonous. The school teacher compelled them to study, and as mentioned, being
driven is painful to the self-respect of most persons. Perhaps, also, the school teacher
was sarcastic, became angry on occasions, and made them sit motionless and in
silence, gave examinations that frightened them with thought of failure, gave
demerits, and caused them to stay after school. Always there was a great relief when
the study period ended and they left the dull books behind to play and romp on the
way home after school. Thus the habit was formed of feeling joy at getting away
from studies, and the feeling of pain of many kinds was closely associated with
studies. Is it any wonder, then, when the pain-technique is so common in our schools,
that so few people make an effort to improve their minds after leaving them.
Unconsciously, because of school-day habits of feeling, they feel uncomfortable at
the very thought of study.
What has been said will give an understanding of the most important principles to be
used in building new habit-systems. There are still other factors worth mentioning
also, but in order that we may now take up those habits that are conducive to making
and keeping friends, we shall reserve them for the next lesson.
Give Them Pleasure
— What has been said about the pleasure-technique has its application also to the
subject of friends. Make no mistake about this, people like us or dislike us in the first
place as we give them pleasure or pain; and they continue to like us while we give
them pleasure and they begin to dislike us when we give more pain than pleasure. If
we are to have friends, then, we must find out what gives people pleasure and what
gives people pain, and build into ourselves those habit-systems that give others
Of all the ten groups of fundamental urges into which the desires of human life may
be grouped, experiments have convinced psychologists that the power-urges are
strongest. To be more specific, the unconscious mind of the average individual has a
stronger desire to keep self-respect than it has for food, sex, or safety. Anything,
therefore, that tends to lower an individual’s self-respect is resisted violently. This
resistance to lowering the self-esteem commonly takes form of unconscious fiction.
People excuse to themselves their short-comings by alibis. Even the most vicious
criminal in prison says to himself that others would have done the same as he if they
had had the courage; or others would have done no better if they had had the same
temptation and the same early environment The ways in which the feeling of
self-respect is maintained are numerous, and because this desire is so fundamental, if
we are to have friends we must use care not to attack their self-esteem. On the other
hand, if we can increase their self-esteem the pleasure they thus derive will tend
toward a feeling of friendliness.
One of the outstanding habit-systems to cultivate, if we would have more friends, is
by various means to make people feel self-important, for this gives them a distinct
glow of pleasure. This feeling of pleasure is associated With us, and gives rise to
kindly regard. But if we criticize people in such a way as to make them feel less
important, even though the criticism is deserved, they feel disagreeable, and
associate this disagreeable feeling with us.
This does not signify that we are to go about flattering people, or that we are to refrain
from pointing out their weaknesses. By the use of diplomacy another person’s
mistake, or his weakness, may be brought to his attention in a way that does not make
him feel disagreeable. If brought to his attention in such a manner as not to attack his
self-esteem he will also more readily put forth an effort to correct it. For when his
self-esteem is attacked, his unconscious is too busy defending itself to be able to
mobilize energies to correct the matter. Then again, nearly everyone has good
qualities that are really worthy of notice. If these qualities are brought to his notice in
a pleasant way, not only will he feel friendly toward the person who recognizes his
worth, but it gives him the high pleasure technique incentive to put forth an effort to
become even more worthy of praise. It is nearly always more beneficial to a person to
be praised for good actions than to be denounced for errors.
Even to attack a man’s opinions inflicts pain on his ego. People are not convinced by
argument; for in an argument they are so busy defending their opinion that the logic
of the opposition fails to gain proper attention. When we bluntly tell a man he is
wrong he resents it. But if we ask him to explain why he thinks as he does, and make it
plain we understand his viewpoint, and say frankly that we have been wrong in many
things and may be wrong about the matter in question, he is apt to feel pleasant, even
though in the end we do not adopt his ideas. In such points as we are in error we
should quickly admit it. He will feel his own self-esteem raised by being able to point
out an error which we admit. And when finally we present the strongest factor that
leads us to an opposite view on the significant matter, he will be inclined to be kindly
tolerant, if not actually agreeing with us.
When we fail to remember an individual’s name he feels that to us he does not seem
important. But if we not only remember his name, but also his problems and interests,
his self-esteem is raised because apparently we consider him important enough to be
interested in him and his affairs. If we greet him with cordiality, and make him feel
that we are glad to see him, this still further raises his self-esteem. And if we smile
and seem happy, this attitude on our part brings out a sympathetic response from him.
Through associating with us he takes on the quality of our feeling, and if this is joyous
and genial his pleasure is increased. People are not apt to like those who seem
indifferent to their existence. A warm handshake and a smile gives evidence of
pleasure and interest.
As people are interested in themselves it gives them pleasure to talk about their
accomplishments, their affairs and their problems. Draw them out. Let them know
you are interested in what they think and what happens to them. Give close attention
to their recitals. Ask questions, and make suggestions designed to be helpful. But
refrain from being dogmatic. Show lively sympathy and understanding. This will
raise the other’s feeling of self-esteem and conduce to the pleasure of your
When people have ideas that are adopted they gain in self-esteem. Abruptly
disparaging the plans put forth by another gives him a feeling of distress. But if he can
be led around to believing he originated, or is at least partly responsible for, the
sounder plans that are adopted, he will gain in self-esteem, and experience the feeling
of pleasure. Instead of at once violently opposing some unsound plan it often is better
policy to get its sponsor to talking and gradually lead the conversation around to a
point where he will see, largely of his own accord, the better way, and suggest it
And while flattery is reprehensible, praise, and plenty of it, where praise is due,
increases the individual’s self-respect, and his friendship for the one who thus
increases his enjoyment.
Next to Self-Esteem People Most Desire the Esteem of Others
–Next in power to self-esteem, and activated by the same group of thought-cells
mapped in the birth chart by the Sun, is the desire for the respect of other people. It is
probably the most dominant motive in the commercial world. People may want
money for what it will buy, but they commonly want it even more to feel important in
the eyes of others. To possess wealth gives a sense of power, and is to be envied by
poorer people. If one has the money, one may have just as good a car, just as fine
clothes, just as pretentious a home, as one’s friends. Great effort is made, therefore,
to acquire these things, not because they are necessary to life and comfort, but
because they permit one to mingle on terms of equality with a certain social stratum.
The working man strives hard to be worthy of a raise in wages, not because his family
is in actual want, but because such a raise will enable them to have things and do
things that give them social prestige.
When those who employ others learn the strength of the urge for self-esteem and the
urge for the esteem of others, there will be less dissatisfaction among employees. A
reprimand, even when deserved, tends to attack the self-esteem. When the reprimand
is given publicly it outrages the esteem of others. Nothing is so resented by an
employee as to be criticized in the presence of his fellow-workers. And the
circumstance that commonly he must refrain from openly defending himself makes
the hurt strike the deeper. It is forced down into the unconscious, there to rankle and
grow more bitter until some labor dispute arises. Then it comes to the surface in full
power and expresses itself in unreasonable demands and sabotage.
Moved by the universal human urge, your friends desire to have the respect of other
people. If you are able to assist them attain this great desire they are sure to warm
There are two ways in which this aim may be advanced. Primarily, of course, through
encouragement and support, they may be helped to do those things that
spontaneously attract the commendation of their fellow man. Thus will you be doing
them a favor, and at the same time be doing something valuable for a still wider
circle.The second way is to draw the attention of others to their good qualities. As
previously mentioned, most people have some very good qualities. If these are
brought to the attention of others and emphasized, it increases the esteem of these
others for the individual under discussion. And if he responds in the normal manner,
this increased esteem of others will stimulate him to make an effort to be worthy of it.
We should not leave this subject without a few words about the person who talks
disparagingly about his friends behind their backs. He loses friends, of course, and
rightly so, because more often than not his innuendoes are repeated and finally get
back to his friends.
He does not openly attack his friends to others. Commonly he first speaks of some
good quality possessed by the friend. “Yes, John is a wonderful fellow, so fine and
upright. Isn’t it a shame that …” Thus does profession of friendship end up with some
subtle remark tended to injure the standing of John. What is the underlying
psychological urge that causes so many people thus cunningly to undermine the
esteem in which their friends are held?
There is an unconscious recognition that superiority is relative. Every individual
wishes to feel himself a superior person, and he wishes others so to believe him.
There is also the tendency to feel that such superiority is to be gained through
In the case under consideration the speaker thinks others will be apt to
compare himself with John. If John is given too high a reputation, by comparison, his
own reputation will suffer. He feels friendly toward John, but at the same time his
unconscious urge for the recognition of others does not countenance the thought of
permitting others to think John is superior to himself. Consequently, almost
unconsciously to himself, whenever opportunity arises he throws out a suggestion
intended to undermine John’s character, and thus relatively raise his own standing.
Needless to say, few people are misled by such tactics. They attribute the “catty”
remark to jealousy. He has thus really lowered himself in the estimation of the very
people he was seeking to impress with his superiority, and his tactics cause him to
lose John as a friend.
Another fundamental urge of great strength is the desire for response. This social
urge manifests not only as sexual desire, but also as the desire to have the sympathy,
help, understanding, interest, and companionship of others.
If another person realizes that you are interested in him and in what he is doing, it
gives him pleasure. If he feels that you have his welfare at heart, he tends to respond
by being concerned with your welfare. And if you show him that you understand his
problems, and his viewpoint toward life, this forms a link of attraction between you.
And why should we not be interested in others? Is life so restricted that we have no
energy with which to sympathize with the problems and joys of others?
We shall presently consider at greater length this primary urge for response in its
intellectual aspect. But first let us glance at the physical.
Professional politicians are looked upon by most with considerable contempt. They
are often out to gain their own ends by fair means or foul. But if they are successful
politicians they are excellent judges of human nature and understand how to
influence human behavior. They are good practical psychologists. They also depend
almost entirely upon their power to make friends and to hold friends for political
influence. Thus they know how to have friends.
The political boss places one rule ahead of all others. He does favors for as many
people as possible. He does not hesitate to spend time and effort to be of assistance to
his friends. He gets out and does something that furthers the interests of as many
people, individually and collectively, as possible. His next rule is that he never goes
back on his friends. Those that help him in any way may be sure of his active service
or influence whenever needed.
These rules, when they are used to advance the interests of one group at the expense
of other groups, are not to be commended. But they do illustrate a vital psychological
principle. If you desire to have friends, do not hesitate to be of material assistance to
them whenever the opportunity arises. Do not hesitate to inconvenience yourself for
them. Do not consider any of their interests unimportant to you. There are a thousand
little things that can be done, things too numerous to mention, but which are
suggested by the circumstances, by which we can be of assistance to others. Such
assistance, through tending to dissipate selfishness, is beneficial to ourselves, and it
is a sure road to friendship.
Security is another strong fundamental urge of all life. In the human family it takes
the form of acquiring money and property to safeguard against future contingencies.
If you assist another to get better employment, to get a better salary, or in any way
advance his economic situation, you have touched upon and helped him realize a
deep seated desire. And because of his interest in his family, if you can conduce in
any way to their security and comfort you will have rendered a service which
commonly is appreciated.
In these days, however, when the lives of comparatively few people are acutely in
danger from lack of food, clothing and shelter, there is another urge that experiments
show to be more actively dominant in the lives of most people. Strange as it may
appear at first sight, this is the urge for adventure.
The desire for new experiences, for taking risks in the hope of greater
accomplishment, has evolutionary value. When areas became crowded, those who
moved to new lands had a better chance to survive. When one food supply began to
be exhausted, those with originality enough–as did our English sparrows–to try
out and adopt a new food, fared better than the less adventurous. Pioneers in any line
are those with a strong urge for adventure. If, therefore, you are able to break the
monotony of other people’s lives by giving them a change, through planning outings,
entertainments, or other activities in which there is a trace of adventure as well as a
good time in general, you will not lack friends.
Having already considered the methods used by politicians to secure friends, we
should feel no hesitancy about making another excursion into the realm of less
idealistic practical affairs to find an illustration. It is the custom of the managers of
small town stores to go to the large cities at certain seasons to make purchases. Larger
firms have special buyers, who make all the purchases for certain departments The
wholesalers and jobbers, who sell these goods to the dealer, have a strong incentive to
gain good will and sell as large orders as practical to these various buyers. In fact,
competition is of the keenest, and in order to remain in business they must make
sales. Under these conditions of practical competition, a workable technique is sure
The worth of the product is of course played up and its price advantages. But the
general practice has been, first of all, for the salesman to get the buyer in tow, give
him fine dinners, take him to the kind of entertainment he enjoys. and show him
something of the night life of the city. He is given a good time where his physical
appetite for food is concerned. His emotions are given pleasurable outlet through
attending entertainments. And finally, he is given what he considers a real adventure.
He has something unusual to think about and to talk about and to anticipate until his
next visit to the big city. No matter if the whole affair is quite dull to the salesman, the
buyer had a good time and some real excitement. He therefore feels unusually
friendly to the salesman who made these things possible, and to the extent no great
loss is incurred by so doing, gives this salesman all his orders.
–In general, increasing the activity and harmony of the thought-cells mapped in the
birth chart by Venus and the thought-cells mapped in the birth chart by Jupiter exerts
a beneficial influence upon the ability to have friends. The Venus thought-cell
activity may thus be accentuated by thinking light, artistic and cheerful thoughts,
making pleasant social contacts, and cultivating artistic trends with the object of
getting as much cheer, amusement and pleasant emotion out of them as possible. The
Jupiter thought-cell activity may be accentuated by cultivating joviality and the
feeling of good will toward all ,and by placing faith in a higher than human source to
oversee matters beyond control.
In addition to these general measures which may be applied by all, there are more
special measures which may be ascertained only from an inspection of the individual
chart of birth. The most important of these measures consists of increasing the
activity and the harmony of the thought-cells mapped in the birth chart eleventh
house. These thought-cells, working from the inner plane, have more power than any
others to attract or repel friends. If they are already harmonious, they should be given
greater activity. If they are discordant they should be harmoniously reconditioned by
applying the proper mental antidote as explained in Course IX.
Each planet aspecting the ruler of the Eleventh House also should be inspected; for
each indicates a line of influence affecting friends that runs from the department of
life ruled by that planet to the house of friends. Such lines of influence as are
indicated by harmonious aspects may be strengthened by appropriate thoughts and
actions, and may especially be made use of where friends are concerned. Lines of
influence indicated by inharmonious aspects may be neutralized by the proper
mental antidote, and the department of life indicated by such inharmonious aspecting
planets sedulously avoided in all contact with friends. Thus if a planet in the Second
House (money) is in good aspect to the ruler of the house of friends, and at the same
time a planet in the Sixth House (work and illness) is in evil aspect to the ruler of the
house of friends, money transactions of various kinds may be counted on to assist in
making and having friends. Such transactions, therefore, may be sought out for that
purpose; and also, by proper thoughts and experiences this influence may be built up
to greater strength within the astral body. But everything to do with labor and illness
may be counted on to disrupt friendship. Under such circumstances it will be unwise
to employ friends, or to seek them in time of illness. Where labor and illness are
concerned, it is better to associate only with those the loss of whose friendship is of
no great concern. Also a proper mental antidote may be applied for the purpose of
giving the discordant thought-cells more harmonious desires.
Demonstrating friendship by means of visualizing (Course V, Chapter 12)
has possibilities, but should be used with considerable caution;
because people attracted into the life are not passive objects, but often have a power
for good or ill. Be sure of just the kind of a friend you desire, and that the person has
just the qualifications you are led to believe he has, before demonstrating friendship.
And furthermore, that the law of compensation be not violated, be sure that the
friendship has possibilities of mutual advantage.
Selecting a house number, telephone number, a name, color, gem, locality and
various other objects of the environment that vibrate to the thought-cells in your
astral body most favorable to friendship (Course VI) all have a beneficial influence.
Friendship of the finest type, however, is always based upon a sympathetic
understanding, and a peculiar mutual exchange of ideas and energies. The type of
person with whom such relations can be established may be determined from the
birth chart. Those whose dominant planet is a planet sorely afflicted in your birth
chart may become good friends, but will not attract to you fortunate events. Those
persons whose dominant planet is a planet well aspected in your chart, in so far as you
associate with them, will be friendly disposed, and will tend to attract to you
beneficial events. But something more than this is required as the basis of a high and
lasting friendship. In the first place the magnetic polarity, as shown by the birth
charts, must not be too diverse. Next there must be some similarity of viewpoint as
indicated by the signs occupied by Sun, Moon and Ascendant, and by the ruling
That is, if one is naturally conservative and the other is naturally progressive,
these tendencies tend to clash. But if both are interested in some subject, as if both
have Mars and Neptune so located as to give an interest in aeronautics, this forms a
basis of friendship. The birth charts thus indicate the possibilities of friendship
between two people.
In the development of a high type of friendship, such as we are considering, a very
unique and socially valuable process is inaugurated. The mind of one person quickly
grasps the ideas presented by the other. He may not agree, either in whole or in part,
with the other’s conclusions, but he understands how and why the other arrived at
those conclusions. The two minds enter quickly into that state of sympathy termed
rapport, in which there is an interchange of invisible energy. The thoughts of one
flow into the mind of the other, and the thoughts of the other flow into the mind of the
one. Even as an individual may set certain facts within his knowledge against other
facts also within his mind, so two such friends unite temporarily as one mind, yet
each maintains his individuality.
Under such circumstances the thought of one often is recognized by the other before
it is spoken, or before completely expressed. There is a fusion and blending of ideas
based upon mutual understanding and this exchange of astral energies. But not
infrequently from this exchange of ideas both come into a comprehension of the
matter not only far beyond what either alone had, but far beyond the sum total of what
both had. In other words, through the unseen blending of thoughts on the astral plane
due to their companionship new ideas are conceived, developed in the unconscious,
and finally given birth to in objective expression.
It is true that many noteworthy examples that may be cited in which schools of
thought have been brought into existence, scientific discoveries made, or works of
art brought to the light of day, are the result of an association between persons of
opposite sex. But other notable examples may also be cited of similar results arising
from the friendship of two or more men, or from that of two or more women.
Thoughts are sexed, but mind itself is not. That is, its temporary polarity is
determined by its thoughts, and these may be held by either a man or a woman. But
whether arising from persons of the same sex, or of opposite sex, where mind blends
with mind thoughts tend to impregnate each other and to undergo progressive
unfoldment below the threshold of objective consciousness, coming forth later as
something new and better than either is able to produce alone.
I believe that the more enduring friendships are based upon such sympathetic
understanding and exchange of ideas and energies as I have mentioned. Certainly
such friendships as these are those that are most satisfactory and beneficial both to
the individuals concerned and to society. At least there should be a process of give
and take between the minds of friends. The individual who insists on doing all the
talking, who consumes the time spent together in relating his adventures, telling
about his business, or pouring out his troubles, does not make a high class friend. Nor
does the one who never has anything to say, who merely absorbs what is said to him.
He is not a friend, just a human sponge. And the individual who just talks small talk,
or on conventional topics out of politeness, has no power to hold others. There must
be earnestness, mutual understanding, and a mutual contribution to common mental
Finally there is the person who wants friends for but one purpose: to tell troubles to.
The right kind of friends, if the friendship is well established, will not hesitate to
listen to and sympathize with another’s troubles. But this is a strain upon friendship,
not an aid to it; for people are attracted only by what is pleasant. Troubles are
unpleasant, and therefore tend to repel. Unloading one’s troubles in the presence of
others is selfish, and should be indulged in only on rare occasions.
If one were to summarize very briefly the rules for having friends, it might be stated
that first, last, and all the time, there should be an understanding of, and a sympathy
for, the other person’s desires and point of view. Those things, then, that give the
other person pleasure, and assist him to realize his desires, are the things which make
of him a friend.